12/25/2023

Well, it was about as bad as I thought it would be. All of the unconscious shit boiled up. A goddamned mess. My metaphorical blood splashes to the floor in bright crimson drops. Dear God, I hate Christmas. I’ll tell you what it is. It isn’t a theological dispute. If you want to believe in fairy tales, far be it from me to take exception to your delusions. I hate Christmas because everyone goes crazy – all of the unconscious demons erupt like a young volcano.

We did it again – we spent more than we should, ate more than we should, drank more than we should. The credit cards are maxed-out and we’re puzzled by the emptiness we feel. We’re exhausted and fear that the next person who says, “Merry Christmas” is going to get smacked in the mouth.

Our angels are a bit amused that we take so long to learn that what our loved ones, and even colleagues, want from us is our presence, support, smiles and hugs. No one remembers all the shit we bought; they remember that we were there. Presence, not presents.

We had the psychological stuff boil up. We had an argument but we got it under control. There was something in the astrology that made the universe cranky. I have this tragic ritual of remembering at certain times, and Christmas is one of those times. My whole life really does come flooding back. There were a lot of Christmases, most of them painful in one way or another. I don’t have to think about it during the rest of the year. At Christmas it all comes back.

Christmas is brutal.

I guess the idealism of Christmas is all right, but it gets lost in translation, and the thing becomes an ordeal to be endured and survived. I sound like a grinch, I know, but I’m just telling the truth as I experience it. It is all so hard. It is all so very hard.

I had a good childhood. My parents were great people who I still miss very much today. My childhood was fun and successful – it would be impossible to even number the great experiences I had. My story is not a sad one. I’m not a trauma story, and I’m thankful for that. We always did the full Christmas thing: parties, church, special meals, oodles of presents, the elaborate tree – it was a huge amount of work. It has taken me a long time to wean myself off of the Christmas Frenzy. I think I finally got it done.

Regardless of the Christmas jazz, I still like to get the family together for a special meal during the season. I like to cook something special and have some drinks. That’s just something we should do. It doesn’t require a religious justification. We, meaning my immediate family, all agreed that we would stop buying presents for each other. There are several reasons: the present buying put a lot of pressure on everyone, financial and temporal, but mostly it’s just an enormous hassle. Our Christmases have been a lot better since we made this decision. Also, we often had to work or had conflicting family commitments on either the Eve or Christmas day. We decided not get hung up on a calendar day. Personally, I like celebrating Winter Solstice.

Even with all of these modifications to the traditional Christmas, it is still a time when wounds and unfinished business boil up from the bottoms of our souls. It is all still tricky to navigate. Every year I tell myself I will avoid all of this stuff, and every year it catches me anyway. I will say that it is not as bad for me now that I am mindful of it, but that doesn’t make it go away.

So, are there any new understandings that came out of this year? While it’s not totally new, the idea of flowing with the moment is important. To the extent that we try to shape Christmas to fit our expectations is the degree to which we are miserable. We do Chinese carry-out for Christmas Eve. You should try it. We play the music that makes us happy, regardless of whether it has Christmas content or not. We get high and tell stories.

And, of course, we remember. There’s no stopping that.



Syd Weedon
1/4/2024